Comedian and author Jeff Foxworthy has gotten a lot of mileage out of his “If you have ever…you might be a redneck” jokes.
Since it’s too hot to do anything outside except melt into a puddle, I thought I might come up with my own version of Foxworthy’s comedic skit, with a twist: “If you have ever…you might be a Texan.”
- If you have ever had trick-or-treating canceled or rescheduled in your hometown because your high school football team made the playoffs, you might be a Texan.
- If you have ever said “mighttawent” instead of “have gone” as in “Ol’ Dub mighttawent to visit his momma,” you might be a Texan.
- If you have ever worn a homecoming mum the size of a basketball, you might be a Texan.
- If you have ever sat down on a bed of fire ants while having your picture taken in a field of bluebonnets, you might be a Texan.
- If you have ever said “The sun has ris’, the sun has set, and here we is, in Texas yet,” you might be a Texan.
- If, when crossing the Red River into Oklahoma, you have held your nose and said “Phewweee, smell them Okies,” you might be a Texan.
- If you have ever recited the Texas Pledge of Allegiance in school, you might be a Texan.
- If you know what to do immediately after this song lyric: “The stars at night are big and bright…”, you might be a Texan.
- If you have ever worn the image of a Texas flag on any part of your body, you might be a Texan.
- If you have ever eaten a Texas-shaped waffle, you might be a Texan.
- If you know how to pronounce Waxahachie, Nacogdoches, Pedernales, Gruene, Boerne, and Mexia, you might be a Texan.
- If you played with baby horny toads as a kid, you might be a Texan.
- If you have ever uttered the expressions “that dog won’t hunt,” “just fixin’ to,” or “this ain’t my first rodeo,” you might be a Texan.
- If, when you see a funeral procession on the highway, you stop your car on the side of the road out of respect, you might be a Texan.
- If you know how to properly shape the bill of a ball cap, you might be a Texan.
- If you know what “Don’t Mess With Texas” really means, you might be a Texan.
- If you have ever said something was “Bigger’n Dallas,” you might be a Texan.
- If you have ever eaten Frito Pie or a giant pickle in a paper bag at a sporting event, you might be a Texan.
What are some other things you could add to this list? Let me know in the comments.